Aw shucks

I can't remember the last time someone told me I did a good job at something. At least, aside from my elderly co-workers who are impressed by my mastery of some late 90's version of microsoft word. As the saying goes, that's like being the smartest kid with downs syndrome; its nice, but no one really cares.

Nowadays I'm definitely aware of my mistakes, wrong-doings, flaws... I miss having a buddy. Its a mild case of what I once escaped to becoming what I escape from. Can't seem to have a good time from start to finish. There's always an upset... and I'm always ready for my next "constructive" criticism. When did everything I do become an area for improvement? I get it at work, despite the ways in which EVERYTHING there has ample room for improvement. And yes, I know that's not how it works, I'm invaluable, expendable, replaceable.. Thanks. Didn't quite remember that already. I feel like shit. I feel like next to nothing. I'm a crybaby one minute and emotionally constipated the other.. Can't seem to get anything right.

And no, this isn't a pity party for myself... just want the high and mighty to merely glance below their pedestal and share some of the kudos every once in a while. It improves morale, and we all know a happy worker is a hard worker! *sparkley tooth smile*

Too bad that applies to more areas than just work...

The Things We Do For Love

I am sitting here, almost 3am, behind Chris and his co-worker friend playing WoW. What is it, may I ask, about video games that men are UNCONTROLLABLY magnetized to?!?! I'm going to end up getting 2 hours of sleep because of his little hobby. Dear god, why? Why is this more important than my getting a reasonable night's sleep for a job that already drives me to my limits. It makes me truly sad. At least we have Hooka. :)

Anyway, I have (yet again) returned to my fascination with photography. I've never taken a class, or been given any instruction on it but Aurajoon's blog just amazes me. I want to create beauty like that. I am just in awe, every single time I visit it.

I am trying to download Adobe Photoshop CS5, but they are on and every time I try, it kicks them offline. Wonderful. What am I to do now? There's no way I'm getting any sleep with the loudness that is my room atm.

Well, I suppose I'll just lay here with my eyes closed and hope I fall asleep. (Shoot me)

I am on my side.

I really do try to see things from others' point of view. I didn't grow up being self-centered and ignorant to those in my life and I am trying to distill any such creeping behavior within myself. However, when I feel I am in an unfair situation.. using an open mind in deeming it as such.. I will absolutely stand up for myself. Confrontation is subsiding in my heart and mind; I do feel a gradual, soothing change. I am getting better. Why, then, am I still a target for the finger of accusation? I have come a long way from where I was. It almost makes me cry, how happy I am that I AM becoming STABLE! I haven't been stable... ever, from what I can recall.
These days, I can even swallow my pride and admit that the changes I've made "for you" (as I've blamed in the past) ...a lot of them have made me a better person, in my humble opinion. I do think I'm more rational now, and becoming more so, still.
That makes undue blame a lot harder to handle than before. Where, before, I knew I was wrong, now I feel as if I'm on the edge of being bullied. This ISN'T fair. I DO a LOT to pull my weight around this house. A messy room frustrates the hell out of me! But bitching about it has gotten me nowhere. So... I try adapting. Being sweet. Asking politely and hoping you might appreciate the less hostile approach from the past. The result?... Nothing. Zip. Nada.
We lay around in a mess for as long as it takes you to get as fed up as I've been. And I am still the bitch for trying to SHOW you, because TELLING you doesn't work. But showing you doesn't work either. So, now what?

I stand here. A "lazy, bitch who never cleans". And I refuse to take it lying down.

That's just how its always gonna be when I feel I am being treated unjustly. Get used to it.

Am I always wrong?

I just don't understand. Am I supposed to be this mechanical robot girl who has no emotion? Apathetic to everything? I say stop hurting me! I don't want to be hurt! Its not fun walking around for a week looking beat up. Why am I not allowed to not want that???
And what's more.. I'm DRAMATIC for feeling this way. You keep trying to play rough.. I'm still a girl and 1 time out of 10 I don't like that. I'd say that's pretty damn good considering how most girls are. Give me a break when I say please, PLEASE!
All this and now I'm sitting downstairs BY MYSELF trying to calm down because I don't want you to go dooming this relationship because I'm not going along with you.
I don't get it baby. We have so much fucking fun. All the fucking time. Did we not just say how the last few weeks have been amazing? Aren't we so in love? Doesn't that mean we BOTH listen to EACH OTHER?! Can't I have one night where you treat me like you're a gentleman and I'm a girl and we do what we can to make each other comfortable?
This is super uncomfortable. I hate this shit. This makes me not want to be where I am.

I miss the warm weather so much. I think I'm doing very well but I will always miss the summer in winter. I want to sit on the back porch and feel the wind without feeling like my skin is about to fall off. One of my favorite memories of this house is in the summer, on the back porch under the stars with my telescope, a glass of wine and the wind in my hair.

Where have I been since then?

All I can do is keep breathing.

It's been a while but I feel the need to regurgitate some of this mind-clutter, because I have better things to use my energy for. Today has been strange. Just strange. Inconsistency abounds and I've not really been letting it get to me as it comes, though it seems to be catching up with me as the day winds down. Mental notation of behavior and my building agitation as a result.
I ask myself why there's always something in dire need of finding. Always researching. Always.
I'm not angry like I used to be. I have plenty to keep me occupied but I miss the closeness. I do feel a gradual resentment towards how I seem like old news. And I feel like my complaints of this are old news, as well. I can't talk about it. I'm not taken seriously, I'm being dramatic. Sometimes my interpretation of this is, "It doesn't matter."
It's hard not to feel unimportant when all evidence supports it.
Times like this make me wonder if I want anything more. Is this how its supposed to be? The eventual dumbing down? What a sad world this is if that's the case.

At the same time, I wonder if I'll feel the same way tomorrow. Yet, if the answer is no, I know it always comes back.
Sometimes I think I've let my mental and emotional impulses take control. But I can never be decide.

I guess I'll just continue accepting a little more each day that this is not flawed. There's no problem to pick away at. Everything is variable. I will have days that stretch all the way across the pleasure spectrum. And I will live to tell about them.

You never know the moment when you're making a huge mistake. Like when you rush into something based on the emotion it evokes.
Take the time. Invest a little time and patience. Slow down. Smell those sweet roses that might otherwise wilt too soon if you don't take the time to nourish them.
And, if it's meant to be.... it will be very, very good. :)

So, today just got INCREDIBLY better.. I was awarded the Pell Grand and eligible for a good sized loan for school. I'm pretty much set, and that is a HUGE relief. Anywho, I took my COMPASS tests today. Got pretty bummed out about the fact that I didn't know just about every single question on the math test. Think I knocked out the Reading and English, thought. I've never had problems with those.
God damn. I'm so relieved and excited and ....a little proud of myself. Even though I haven't even officially begun my college journey, I'm so happy this is all coming together. It's really exciting.
Chris has been so supportive of me, too. I hope he knows how much help he's been physically and mentally. I wouldn't be where I am this fast without his pushing and motivation. I really am sorry for all the shitty, bitchy moods I've had spill over onto him lately. *sigh*

Onto the less important happenings of today..
I have been trying to discover a hobby. Well, a new hobby that I could actually keep up with. Maybe now that I'm having a little help with Financial Aid and all, I might be able to put a little money into something fun. I want a project, too, not just some silly little time-waster. Word searches and puzzles are fun but I want something bigger than that. :) We shall see. I'm sure I'll find something.

I have been seriously neglecting this thing. I used to blog all the damn time about anything and everything. When did I lose my imagination?? This needs attention :D
And I know I keep saying that but I'm really gonna try now. Blogging used to be my FAVORITEST thing ever!!
(Sorry, I'm on percocet for my wisdom teeth extraction - which don't hurt at all anymore but there are four more left and I've decided they're for recreational purposes :P - so I'm sorry if this lacks the appropriate enthusiasm)

Well, I suppose I'll pick up my brain-storming where I left off and resume my latch-hook kit *yawn*
I'll see you again soon, interwebz! :D

Lucky, Lucky Me

Maybe I've been being far too silly. Yes, I think I have.
I'm being spoiled little Mariangela, again.
I need to stop.
There are a lot of things I need to realize and accept, I know. I'm still learning how to be decent. I need to swallow my pride and become humble. I need to be thankful for everything I have - I have a lot. I have an incredibly patient boyfriend who has been putting up with all my bullshit like a champ. I realize he does not need to but I am abundantly grateful for his hanging in there.
I am a sensitive little baby. I think I think the world revolves around me sometimes. It's not all about me. I HAVE to assume responsibility for my feelings and actions - I DO have control over both and I have been doing a TERRIBLE, lazy job of executing such.
I hate how much I cry and how easily. I hope he knows it's not always a bad thing. It really does seem that I hold all that's built up in my tears and crying is extremely relieving.
I have an amazing life here, now.
Why do I never fail to freak myself out completely by forgetting all I have learned?
Why is there a big bully in my head beating down my strong, sure inner voice?

Oh well. Acknowledge it's presence and let it pass.
I am happy to be alive.

Help

I feel alone. I don't feel happy. I don't know why.
I'm trying so hard to let go, but I can't. This feeling is toxic.
Feels like my heart is aching and I don't know what to do to fix it.
I should be happy. But something is missing.
What is wrong with me?

Nice

"To be granted the right to manage the oxygen I breath, the sun that shines on me daily at no cost, the friends and loved ones I’ve been provided. It certainly keeps you in debt to the source."
http://aplusk.posterous.com/a-little-thank-you-to-who-ever-you-are

The drama from last night was not slept away.
I woke up this morning with the same torn, frustrated cloud looming around me. It's tough, times like this, when I know it's time to put myself aside and do something for another, but it's hard. Having done that so many times in my past, only to have it mean absolutely nothing. I know by now I should trust that it's not like that, but damage was done. Time will heal this wound but last night was a mixture of too many elements that just didn't fit.
I was freezing cold, in a short dress, traipsing around downtown Atlanta with a group of people I don't know AT ALL who have nothing to say to me, or I to them and all they seem to want to talk about it "remember when this?? and that?" I understand I need to exercise a little self-control and accept that it was a "best friend" basis, but I don't think it's a completely inappropriate response to be a uncomfortable in that kind of situation where my boyfriend has his back turned to me and another girl hugging on him and telling him "oh i love you!". And I did NOT roll my eyes. I just don't like people who say things like "and I WILL be vocal about it." Ugh. I think that I've been doing pretty well up until now but I do NOT have to act like I like anyone if it is not sincere. I have been okay with a LOT of fucking shit. Like how my BROTHER is "weird" for fucks sake and I shrugged it off as "okay well he doesn't have to like everyone i care about"
Its just plain uncomfortable. All around. I've walked on eggshells concerning my friends, for him. I've tried to have better friendships with the girls I know so that I won't have only guy friends. But frankly, I don't fucking like girls. Most of them are petty, two-faced bitches who will stab you in the back at the drop of a hat if it benefits them. And I like and trust girls I don't know EVEN less.
I don't know, maybe I would've been fine with all this when we first got together and I didn't give two shits about him. I'm trying to let it go.

I didn't want to upset you. I tried. That atmosphere just has a super fucking depressing vibe to it when it doesn't include anyone you know. It was supposed to be a nice night with "close friends" right? I just didn't equate bar hopping in the middle of Atlanta to that. Sorry.

I don't know what's going on with you right now. I get the nostalgia part, and how hard it is to accept that good things change with the bad. And if that's not something you can handle and move forward afterward, I don't know what I can do to help you. There are a lot of things I could be nostalgic about that I KNOW for a FACT would go back to the way they were merely 5 months ago if I would want it. Shit, less than that. There are things that never would've changed at all...
But I can't stand the thought of putting you in that position.

FUCK. What the hell am I doing here?

It's been a while

I sit here with my 3rd glass of wine. Hoping my wonderful boyfriend doesn't mind my love of the stuff. Hoping I'll never lose my ability to tolerate that game he's playing downstairs. Yeah, I don't get it. But he does. Who am I to make him stop?
Here I humbly sit. Thankful for a day off. Feels like a Sunday, yet it's Saturday. Gotta love that :)
So many things have been gathering in my mind lately, and for the first time in my adult life, they aren't neccessarily stressful thoughts. More like acknowledgements of the world around me, the situation I've found myself in and how peculiar my untypical reaction is to it.
I have small worries these days. Small worries about big things.
Like, what if I'm still in for a heartbreak? Am I getting too cozy? And the ever-looming: Is this what I want?
I still have moments of fear. Fear that I ask too much or too little. I realize, on the outside, things have moved so fast. But never have I felt hesitant, or anxiety over it. It has been so fluid. So natural and easy.
I don't know. Maybe I think too much. I'm very happy where I am. Somedays I feel like leaving. I don't want to get carried away and miss some signal that I'm crowding space or ....too clingy? I hope he doesn't take me the wrong way. I'm just as fine with a night left to my own devices as I am wrapped in his arms. Though, I must admit, either way my thoughts will wander to him.


I think I really found it this time.

Haha C U Next Tuesday

If you would've talked to the douchebags you've had in your life for the past couple years the way you're talking to me, maybe they'd have respected you a little.


...but then again, that's a pretty big maybe.

You sad, silly little person.

Everything in it's right place

Things will become bitter-sweet, in the future. My selfish parts will clash with my supportive ones. But everything is perfect, now. I am full. I am grateful. I am blessed.

Its almost hard to believe.

I am incredibly lucky.

Throwing in the Towel

Okay. That's it. I give up. No more fighting it. No more looking for reasons why it could be just a big plan to destroy me. I can't stop this.
I can't help but smile. Yeah, I know it won't always be this way. There will be hard times. There will be bored times. But, I'll be there. And there will be more times like this, where it seems absolutely amazing that we found each other. I don't know yet if you're the one. I'm not going to mess with it. But this is the high I chase...
Words can't describe this. I promise, I'm the real deal from here on out.

Maybe

I don't want to tell her. Why should she think herself to be so powerful? If I had my way, she'd realize her own effect. But there's no reasoning with her. There's no speaking. A mother has left her position. And we are left alone. And the weakest is left compromised, the older and stronger are fine as they are. Fuck. Why?
Why can't I be that strong? Why did I show her? Now she thinks she has this control over me. No control.
You are no one. You are one of them. You keep turning around. I know you're not looking to see if I'm okay. You love getting a rise out of your children. You love that at least SOMEone is emotionally, irreversibly connected to you. Well, that night and officially tonight consider our connection severed.
I don't need you, mother. No more than I need anyone. This is all just a thought, right? This is all just some collection of electric sparks somewhere randomly attracting each other and I am still caught on the idea that people actually have feeling for one another.
So.... SO WRONG.
So you sit there. Drown out the truth with your latest obsession. Someone who is emotionally free because he is GENUINELY free. A GOOD soul. An HONEST, COMPASSIONATE, UNDERSTANDING and PATIENT soul.. have you any idea what it feels like to be that?
If this example is what a mother should be, count me out.
Here I was thinking it was a beautiful gift to give a creature life, who you would forever be connected to. Who love was an uncontrollable impulse toward. One of us is wrong. I won't be the one to spin the wheel and find out which.


I have made a decision tonight. It may hurt me, but it will keep another from pain.

Open Your Eyes

I don't like this. The voice of reason that I cannot let speak through me. So uncomfortable causing ripples in this little thing. But it's going sour and turning me into something I hate. I don't like the way my mind works, right now. I don't like what this does to me and the effect it has on my world. I have been betraying myself pointlessly and I deserve to stand up and speak for myself.
And now that I have actually have put words together... open your ears.

Kicking Myself

I did something so fucking stupid. And for what? A moment of endorphin-induced feelings of release. Nice, Mariangela. How, where and why did I all of a sudden pull and 180 and start hating myself again? Is there something genuinely, deeply wrong with me? How is it I can be completely and utterly joyful for months at a time, then one day wake up and feel lost and alone and hopeless? It doesn't make sense. I can't make sense of it.
All the reasons I can think of as to why I trip into my downward spirals sound so juvenile when I say them out loud. And I say to myself, "Really?? Are you kidding me?! Get the fuck over it already, you're missing out on your life!"
I'm trying so hard to change it around again.

I do need to get over things. I am so focused on the negative details and what could go wrong and being so terrified of things going wrong and frantically trying to work out in my head how I can prevent all these things from happening...
I forget to realize that I don't need to control them. If I just let them be, they will stay together just fine.

I can't believe how many times I am going to have to catch myself at the bottom and remind myself the only thing leading me there is me.

Smile, Mariangela.
The sun is out, there's a whole world out there waiting for you and they want you to smile too.

I wish I could take a walk right now. That always helps me put things in perspective.

Acceptance

I'm sick.
I'm tired.
I feel.
Way too much.
I want to stop.
Tonight, I just want to be heartless.

Take away the pain. Take away the hurt. Take away the self-consciousness. The self-doubt and doubt in others. The mistrust.
Take away my fear.

I just want everything to stop.

People need to understand, I am not so kind by default, out of weakness or fear or submission. It's because I realize there is a light inside every single person on this planet, and maybe, just maybe, if I'm sweet enough, I can coax it out to shine on this dark place..

You're the Only Voice My Heart Can Recognize

I've been consumed. Not that I mind all that much. I love it. This is passion. But I hate the notion that I'm alone in it.
At first, yes, it's intoxicating and new and it has the ability to bring one back to life. But...

with someone like me.. it destroys. It becomes so powerful, one easily becomes dependent. Now, if it is wrong to get too close.. to care too much, or to become too involved.. all it will take is a simple word to end it.
Tell me to stop.
Tell me its not okay.
For the love of god, tell me I need you too much and it's unrealistic and dangerous and I'm being silly!
Don't leave me in the dark.
Don't let me assume the worst.
It gives you a bad impression and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
I don't like feeling stupid. I don't like feeling discarded.. or disregarded.

say if i'm wrong and i'll just find something else to care about.
it's only right if we're in it together.

Good Luck

There are many words to describe what I'm feeling right now, and for them a handful of fitting pictures. But none to quite capture this moment.
To come upon this discovery is to potentially justify existence... maybe.
I'm all smiles and no words.
I cannot continue without giving myself away.
That is for you to find, my friend. :)

Anywho, I've been reading Into the Wild.
I'd love to get lost in existence. Please, fate, let me become lost.

Hello Reality

This is all fun. This is all fine and dandy. But we both know where this is going, mutual or not...
What happens?


What happens when I become too much. When I finally over-think it and let it be known and drive you away?

What, when you become too "there", whatever the fuck that means? Means something deep inside my head. I get stupid.. often. I run.

What are we supposed to do if this becomes boring? Dramatic? Obsessive? Lonely? Quiet? Real.

We always joke around. How can we bring seriousness to the moment. I'm terrified. I can't do it first. I want to keep you. Don't stop tickling me. Don't stop touching me. Don't stop speaking. Don't stop listening. Don't stop smiling. Don't stop anything. Just.. don't stop.

I hope you see it in my eyes. I want you. I want you so bad I can't stand it. I want every part of you.

You are what my heart perceives to be perfection.
How dangerous. And I can't talk about it. I can't think about it. I can't ask you if you feel the same. I don't know what I CAN do. I WANT TO.

The silence kills me.

Fuck my life.

I think I'm starting to fall..

To my family...

do you have any idea how much I love you?...

Either way.. you don't.

Words are incapable.

Fuck this.

I can't take one more thing going wrong. Life sucks right now. I don't know what to do. All I want to do is sleep. And maybe die. That would be peaceful.


...I knew things would fuck up if I said something.
Maybe its time to revert back to my old ways.
Yes.
I think so.

Mental Debris

This is going to be random. It doesn't need to have order, this is my damn blog and I can't sleep until I take out the trash ;)

I was walking to my car a minute ago, to get something. It is in the hour of midnight. I thought to myself as I unlocked the door, "No one heard me leave the house. No one knows I'm out here. What if I get in the car, drive off and leave this place?"
Can't say I didn't like the idea.
Can't get it off my mind.
Its evolved from a thought to wish, this moment.

I came up with what I think to be one of the most awesome things I have ever thought and/or said in my entire life, earlier: "Stupidity doesn't echo. It just makes everything else around it stop and acknowledge its existence."
Yes, kiddies. That is my brainchild. Amazing, yes? Yes. Yes, I know.

Oh, and I discovered Ronald Jenkees tonight. FUCKING amazing musician. Possible Godly potential. We shall see.
I feel great. WTF?

All Apologies

I have no right to be upset, I know. And I probably deserve to feel this shitty way. But I am truly, sincerely sorry. Sucks that curiousity ruined a friendship. I wish you the best.

Remember to Breathe

I feel like it's bubbling up beneath the surface. Like I'm seconds away from screaming at the top of my lungs just to release the pressure. I want some fucking privacy. But that's okay. I want my own space so I can have a comfort zone again. But that's fine. I can be patient. I can wait. I can bite my tongue and play nice. Keep the peace. But it begins to push me over the edge when people think they can boss me around. Don't. Fucking. Push. Me.
Worries and possibilities have been dancing around my mind all day and I've kept my cool, but all it took was that one little sentence. Your request wasn't even what did it, though I have many peeves tied to it. How is the point. Don't boss me around.
God knows I love you to death, but I have buttons that, when pushed, override all prior mental settings and aim in on nothing but pure, concentrated fury.
This is how I get worked up. This is how I get pissed off. This is what happens when I forget to consider how different things would look if I take a step back.

I Feel Perfect

I sit here
I listen
This sound
This noise
I once heard this track and had the fierce, burning belief that, no matter what I saw, no matter what life threw at me, everything has an indescribable beauty and strength that could no be combated. Nothing could blow down this faith. No science, no logic. Pure feeling and trust that this whole life, existence, plan, game... whatever you may call it, whether designed or spontaneous, is valuable. Is unique in itself. It's delicate as a butterfly, yet speaks to the soul with the force of a hurricane. This can not be simulated. Nor duplicated. Nor fabricated. It must be understood within it's pure depth. IT must sink inside the very core like a balloon that has been stretched too far.
THIS is what feels right. THIS is my religion. This fucking judgmental, better-than-thou society has driven me within myself. Now, I have had my bouts with lack of self-confidence, but this is certainly not one of them. I KNOW what FEELS right, now. I am absolutely PERFECT, inside and out. I am, finally, put back together.

I am peaceful.
All on my own. :)

And now what?

I am thoroughly intent on expanding my mind. One way or another. It's going to happen. Sorry to those I leave behind. Sorry to those I let down. I am, at last, mobile. Disconnected from all the bullshit this life has thrown at me. There will be much progress. There will be a profound evolution. Expect nothing. Prepare for anything. Don't count on me. I do not belong here. My calling is calling me. There's more out there and I am DYING to see.. hear.. FEEL.
There is so much more to live for than this sad little merry-go-round of an existence, to which everyone seems disturbingly accustomed to. Lay before me all obstacles. Bring on all your discouragements. JUDGE me.. PLEASE.. fuel my fire for this expedition across consciousness.
Hehehehe.... you still don't get it :P
...It's okay. You are still incredibly beautiful.